Will I enjoy being a mum?

Currently 35 weeks pregnant and have 2 days left until I finish for the longest maternity I have taken - 9 whole months!

Am currently full of mixed emotions including anxiety, relief and excitement.  Mostly, I am worried that I won't like being a mum.  I then have to remind myself that it's too late to worry about that seen as I already have an almost 10 year old daughter and 4 year old son and so have been a mum for almost a decade.  So why now?  Why all of a sudden do I have this daunting feeling that I won't be any good at it?  I mean, I've managed to keep my daughter and son alive for the last 10 years, so what is worrying me?

From leaving school at 16 and trying college for a whole month (realising that the only difference between sixth form and secondary was not having to wear a uniform - one was not best pleased) I went straight into working for a law firm in the city as an office junior. Over the next 7 years I worked my way up through the company:- receptionist, senior receptionist, float typist and then legal secretary.  

When I had my first sprog, I went back to work after a short 3 months of maternity leave. Having a mortgage at 21 and with financial commitments, I told myself those were the reasons I went back so early. Truth be told, it was because I love working and I love having my own identity back for 8 hours a day.  Does that make me a bad person?  Having best of both worlds?

I eventually left that job and did take a year off (well 10 months) and had a blast looking after my little princess but a part of me was missing, the part where I enjoyed talking to people who didn't have kids and grown up conversations.  So off I went back to work and haven't stopped since.

Having the second whippersnapper was no different, 2.5 months was all I lasted before I went back part time and then eventually full time.  

4 years later and here I go again, ready to take maternity but this time a little longer.  Have I escaped being a parent and therefore this is the reason I am feeling so anxious about spending more time with my children?

I am pretty sure there will be people reading this blog and thinking I had my kids and then shied away from the trials and tribulations of being a full time mum.  I don't have a nanny or a housekeeper but have the best mum in the world who has taken care of both sprogs  while I went back to work.  This is a family tradition, my nan looked after me while my mum worked and through that I had the best relationship with my nan and I can see that now with my own kids and their nan.  Is this a bad thing?

I see other full time mums going on play dates and coffee mornings with other mummies, discussing the world of parenting and turning their noses up to those who work and have children.  Maybe if I were a full time mum, I would do the same!  My day is no different to theirs, I just happen to be surrounded by adults talking about work instead of what my toddler said or did today.  This doesn't mean I don't think or talk about my children! They are my life but I have to be something more than just their mum!

Now back to the imminent maternity leave that faces me in a couple of days... will I enjoy being a full time mum?  Well, we will have to wait and see what lies ahead!

Until next time....

Jukebox