I mentioned in a previous post that I had been seeing a therapist/counsellor for my depression/anxiety which has been brought on from this pregnancy.
I hadn't even realised you could get antenatal depression! It was through doing the standard Google self diagnosis that I discovered there even was such a thing. I had only heard of postnatal depression - this I understood as I had suffered from this after my first pregnancy, but the feeling of being on a constant low, feeling like a failure and generally worthless, was not something I was familiar with during pregnancy.
Around 10%of mums-to-be are affected - with women who have suffered from depression or anxiety previously at greater risk - and those figures could be set to rise if women aren't given the help and support they need to recognise and overcome the illness.
I found out pretty early on that I was pregnant - this was planned and so as with all women who are trying, we can't wait for the missed period, we have boxes of pregnancy tests ready to take 1 week before our period due date. When we found out, both the hubby and I were elated! We did an announcement picture for the family! I was (am) addicted to Pinterest and the ideas for how to announce a pregnancy were great.
On our family trip to the South of France in July, we did the compulsory Facebook announcement and the printed and sent the picture to the rest of the family who were not on Facebook! Again, LOVE PINTEREST
So why did this feeling of happiness not last? I had terrible morning sickness (still suffering) and initially put my mood down to that. I had assured myself that once I got to my second trimester, I'd start to feel myself, get that burst of energy and glow! It wasn't until I realised one day I was in my third trimester, that I finally went on google and found out that I could be suffering from antenatal depression. I finally broke down to the GP and then my midwife. They were great and didn't put it down to just my "hormones" and thus started the counselling sessions.
My therapist had to deal with me crying for the whole 50 minute session. My colleagues at work had to cope with me breaking down in tears for the next couple of days but at home I tried to conceal it and cry alone when no one was watching. Opening up certainly had an impact but this was good. I had managed to be truthful about a lot of what I was thinking and feeling and assured that it was normal and I actually wasn't a complete loon and feeling of irritation and hate towards my children, my husband and in general EVERYONE were commonplace when it comes to depression and anxiety.
We spoke about masks and control in the first couple sessions and things have started to make sense. My need to control everything (make the bed as soon as I wake up ) and keep things in order (position the washing up in size order) was the reason why I had such difficulty in coming to terms with leaving work to start maternity and why I was suddenly doubting whether I would be a good mother to my children in the next 9 months. The not knowing what was going to happen and obviously having no real plan in place, a change in routine. This scared the crap out of me!
There is no cure or quick fix to antenatal depression but there is a way to manage it and hopefully nip it in the bud before it transpires into postnatal depression. First stop is to recognise the signs and be willing to seek help. That's where I am now. I now have hope that I can work through it and control my feelings before they spiral out of control.
If anyone else has felt more than just a little overwhelmed in pregnancy and know that something isn't quite right, talk to your doctor or midwife. As much as your friends and family are there to talk to, sometimes having an outsider to speak with can help you open up a little more and they can give you an impartial point of view.
Until next time...
Jukebox
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